Making Your Love Last
The take aways I wish I knew in my early twenties.
Have you ever wondered, why all great love stories in film, literature and music are about unattainable love? Romeo and Juliette, The Bridges of Madison County, Love Story, Gone with the Wind. They have become a compass to our romantic quest for love with that someone very special.
In contrast to the tragic fate of our heroines and heroes, we want our love to last forever. Anything less fells like a compromise.
Love is emotional investment.
The concept of romantic love is not new, it dates back to the 12th century. For ordinary people in the middle ages, marriage meant a sense of duty and obligation to your husband and wife and children. Among aristocracy marriages meant convention and restriction while romantic love was glorified with boldness and adventure. Even tragic love stories are based on the idea that the loving individual is to be celebrated.
That concept somehow survived 900 years to our modern day and age of dating platforms and apps.
In contrast to common beliefs, the divorce rate in the US is on the decline since the early 80s. An article in Time Magazine states that it is now at about 39%. But not just divorce rates, also marriage rates are on a decrease.
But would you get on a plane when the chances of arriving at your destination is only 39%? Hell no!
In the US the average marriage lasts for 8 years. The average age for a couple going through a divorce is 30 years. 60% of them are between the ages of 25 and 39. Women are more likely to file for divorce than men. The divorce rate for heterosexual couples is double that of same-sex couples.
But who really cares about statistics when loving that very special person feels so distinct and unique. Finding that perfect partner, create a family and live happily ever after is encrypted in our genetic code. It’s the survival strategy of humanity, but our DNA couldn’t care less about romance.
We all change over the course of our lives. Professionally, physically and mentally. What once infatuated us about our partner may have vanished over the years, or become a daily routine. Sometimes people who were once right for each other are no longer compatible.
When you have kids, love and affection are non longer monogamous, it is equally divided with all members of our family.
It takes discipline for a longtime relationship to survive. The framework of mature love includes commitment, respect, emotional support, communication and caring friendship.
The battle between attachment and freedom.
When I was in my puberty, my grandma would often give me her advice on the mystery of my newest crush in primary school. She was an affectionate, warm hearted person and would often refer to a visual metaphor for a perfect relationship:
“Imagine standing back to back with your loved one. You feel a strong support in your back, but you still have an unobstructed 180 degree view in front of you.”
Back then I just vaguely understood what she meant. But with time and experience came knowledge. We all need security and support, but we also want freedom for self-optimization.
I have been married for over 42 years. My wife an I met when we were both in our early twenties. Our relationship, marriage and raising two beautiful sons went through some bumpy phases of crisis and uncertainty, but it survived.
I don’t want to brag about it, but we don’t know too many couples who made it that far.
I clearly remember that day about eight years ago, when my wife looked at me across our breakfast table and only said one word:
“Novelday”
I had no idea what she was referring to, but quickly realized that there was an urgency to her concern.
After many decades of marriage, she felt that breaking up our daily routine would open up new horizons and broaden the range of our relationship.
The rule: for 24 hours we avoid doing things we would normally do.
The next day we carried croissants and bagels up to the top of the tower of the cathedral in our town and sipped hot coffee from a thermos jug. We laughed and looked over the streets and rooftops below.
We spent the morning in the public library, went to an exhibition in the museum of medical history and savored spicy fish and chips sitting next to metal workers in a small takeout on the harbor. Friends invited us for dinner and offered to spend the night in their small guest-room under the attic.
The past twelve hours felt like a mini vacation, just a few steps away from the doorstep of our home.
To this day we slip in a “Novelday” in our busy schedules whenever we can. And every time we do, its worth the extra effort.
Small changes can give you an instant feeling of change and rejuvenation. Real life experiences deliver long lasting satisfaction.
Break your daily routine once every month.
Take the road less traveled.
Make your love and curiosity last for ever.
